God has called me to follow him. It's as simple as that for me, Jesus said follow me, stay close and follow me. And I did, and at first I realised the cost, going further away from friends, and loved ones, and home, and comfort, and coke, and similiar cultured people who "get" me. But I also realised the peace, the tiredness that disappeared, the joy in waking up, the heart that wants to intercede, not forcing myself to have quiet time, but God actually becoming my best friend and first option to run to in a strange place, I grew, my dreams grew, provision came, new family came, situations with people resolved correctly as God was first so learning to trust even in the small things,the "kleintjies", the big things that seemed to break my heart, even those God looked after. Learnt alot in those months.
Then I came home. And home has been challenging, cause home and city life holds routines, and rhythms and deadlines and intentions that are never realised. Everything else is more important, there is always somewhere else people need to be, and I get/got caught up in that too. But I said God, I need to find you here in my city, in the same way I found you elsewhere, I don't want my walk with you to be dependant on a place, but even here in the familiar, in the old hurts, challenges and sins, I need you, and I need to see that in work. And God came through... I found people who I knew but now found out knew things about them, and learnt and built deeper. I found an awesome cell, which was big prayer matter for me, if I was going to be here, I needed to be around similiar minded people, who firstly excude God in their conversations in their priorities yet are real, ordinary people and are open about their lives and struggles too.
Then sin creeped in, from the strangest of places, well like new american friends say "sin piggyback rides in on the back of righteousness..." You may be doing something righteous, or be with people who were always a blessing to you and you to them, but sin looks away to creep in even in the midst of a righteous thing that is happening. And for a while I became like the prodigal son, choosing to enjoy the "world", well as far as one who has tasted true life can enjoy the world. It all started with good intention, but in the end like Heb 12 says I got entangled in the sin that so easily entangles. Thankfully God was right there in the midst of it, even in the people that I was surrounded with and at some point I grabbed at the light and called out for help, to God and to the people I knew who would speak truth in my life.
Since then, God has surprised me, confirmed desires, blessed me and even provided for me. It hasn't been easy, I have been so close to giving up, if it wasn't for God's grace, I have lost things I held dear to my heart, I have had to deal with my own disappointment, my own hardheartedness, my fears, my losses, but in the midst, God has been smiling, and faithful, despite all the BUT Lord, or the teachings and comments people give, God has knelt down and held out his hand and just repeated the words he has spoken to me before... Come, follow me, you are mine, I am yours... I am not saying there are no consequences to sin, of course there are. But I am so aware of the sun even behind the grey clouds. I am so aware of this strength rising in my heart, to face things that normally I would be falling apart to face. I am so aware of the His tangible grace on my life in this season. He is a redeemer. There are still mindboggling situations. There are still relationships in my life that I have no idea are coming or going or why? But I know, God is taking care of that and I just need to follow him and not try to figure out or fix things that I have given to him to fix. Super hard at times and realising the control freak in me, but embracing this season of learning to TRUST GOD with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding... :) (prov 3).
The next step. Back to missions. God said Follow me, he didn't say go to India, Timbaktu, be a missionary, be in IT. For now when I left in Sep he said Psalm 45, leave your father and your mother's house, the king is entralled by your beauty, honour him for He is your Lord. Also He said follow me. In missions he said stay close.I realise that as I seek him,the rest becomes clear, and that sometimes you need to step out of the boat. You cannot expect God's will for you to be dropping on ur lap, you need to get on ur knees and when he speaks you need to follow him. Fortunately I have found God's grace to accompany his word. He hasn't jerked me out of circumstances and in going to JBay the first time he had made it super clear that i needed to go. I know that this time round, God will lead me too and with his leading also comes his peace if I'm doing the right thing...
So back to the title of ths note. Following God, both scary and extremely rewarding. When I go, I know I am once again stepping physically away from my lifelong and dear friends, my family, my parents, my home, my CAPE TOWN, everything that makes sense. I also may not have a place to come back to, I am in my 30's now so cannot expect parent to support me forever. This is scary. Sometimes you wan't that normaly routine life, job, home, extra classes, braais on weekends, new car in 2 years, flat, house, steps that everyone around you is taking, BUT, you also know that when you tried to live that life, it wasn't you. In IT I felt like Cinderella's step sisters, with the glass shoe on my foot, one day someone would spot that I don't fully belong here. It's not that I am saying that it's wrong to be in IT, or whatever market place you are in. God has called you to be there, he has put that desire for business, academics, science, art in your heart. For me he has given a different call, to follow, this following may take me right back to the start, to the business world, I don't know ;) lol...But I know I will go nowhere, if I don't do the next step that is set before me. Destiny is calling :) Really this is not just some nice words put together, BUT I really am scared of the unknown, the only thing that motivates me is the call of God, the peace in my heart, on Alicia keys cd this quote aptly describes how I feel at times, - "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom. This is the element of freedom.” Doing what everyone else does because I am afraid to do what I am called to do is becoming more painful than stepping out and doing what I'm called to do.
So I don't have all the answers just yet, But it will come. So watch this space... And keep me in your prayers. Like that song says "I'll pray for you, You pray for me, I love you, I need you to survive". Let's keep praying, lets keep spurring one another on towards greatness. Lets keep following God, on whatever direction he is calling us to go. And lets keep looking to him for those answers ;)
Chan
